i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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