Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
