So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
