It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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