my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
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