if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
