When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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