The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
