I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
