I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
