Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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