My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
