I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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