I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
