Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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