so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
