Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
