some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
My liver just had a heart attack.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
