woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
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