Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
