hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
