i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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