Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
