I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
