can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
