Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
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