I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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