Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
She even gives head with a lisp.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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