I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
