Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize