so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
