Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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