Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
