I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
