Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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