I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
