so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
