Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
