I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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