im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Randomize
