Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
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