Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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