Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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