they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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