when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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