Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
