it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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