you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
