halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
