hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
how do you play pong handcuffed?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
