last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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