I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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