i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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