I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
