She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
