she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
