Pappa wants mamma naked
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
