Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize