So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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