Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
this just has baby written all over it
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
