You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
