My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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